Goodbye Injections

As of Saturday I was officially done with injections.
In total, starting from December 28th, I have had:
24 Lupron injections &
48 PIO injections.
I administered every single one to myself.
Now I am proud - I mean, who wants to stab themselves daily (the answer if you are wondering, is no one. I will speak for everyone on that). But I cant help but think that I did this for only one cycle. One cycle that thankfully took and now a beautiful little baby is growing. There are women though who do this over, and over and over again. And are still left with a broken heart.
While the injection itself does not hurt, it is the knots that form, the blood, the bruises, the little puncture marks that start forming ... it all adds up and when the next injection needs to happen - at least for me - it became a little game at times to just get it done. I could not sit and think about it or it would have taken me forever. I had to remind myself WHY these needed to be done and the minute I did that - I had all the will I needed to get it done.
At the end of all the meds - I have no complaints. Just a little bit more insight of what women who fight infertility are doing day in and day out - and my medications, from reading blogs and instagram pages - are no where near what would need to happen if I were trying to conceive my own child. And again, I said a little - because I will never fully be able to understand or realize the toll it puts on you/them. I never want to sound like I know what infertility is like - because I dont and never will. I only know going through the surrogacy process is like, my feelings and emotions and how it has impacted me.

I have 2 more patches and 2 more suppositories left to do. Saturday at 1pm when I remove my patch, I will be completely weaned of my medications. That is so exciting. And Easter Sunday I will be 12 weeks pregnant. Can you believe how fast it is going?
I am still tired almost all the time. I hope weaning off meds helps a bit. The nausea still exists and hits pretty hard come evening. I have been severely slacking in meal planning. I really should have taken my own advice and done some freezer meals in advance. I will need to remember to do that before giving birth. While I wont have a baby to take care of (because news flash - my IPs will have their baby to love on then!!!) - I know I probably wont want to be cooking either the first few days.
Starbucks is still my go-to. A sweet friend sent me a gift card and I shed a tear using it today. Because hormones are crazy and it was just what I needed. It was very good too for the record. Starbucks just gets me.
Anyways .. I think that is all for the moment?
Back to trying to motivate myself to get some cleaning done!

10w2d update

Yesterday, for the first time in about 4 weeks I did not have to inject myself in the backside. It felt like a treat if I am going to be honest. The actual injection does not bother me, but I was running out of space to do them in the target area that did not have some resistance as I was pushing in the meds. I could also almost guarantee that it would bleed a bit after as well. Since I have done my meds today now, I officially have 2 injections left! I will be completely done next Saturday with the remaining medications! I was warned it may be a, say, trying time emotions wise so I am doing my best to take a breath before I say anything if I am feeling less than happy. I would lie if I said they don't affect me in any way - and that would not be beneficial to anyone reading this and truly wondering how it is going. It is hard, but it isn't impossible. I just take the medications one day at a time and try to stay focused on why I need them right now. I do hope once I am done, some of the nausea will ease up and I will gain a little more energy back. I think the lack of energy has been the hardest for me. I do not feel like cooking once dinner time hits - and I feel so guilty over that. It is a combination of being tired and nausea creeping up hard on me. I actually looked at doing Let's Dish again to get us through a week and the cost was just too much to justify. We are making it work though and soon enough I will be back to enjoying cooking dinner again!

Starbucks has been my saving grace once again. Maybe not for my wallet but for my nausea - and in the end that is all that matters! I do not know what it is or why, but sipping on my (decaf) frapp just seems to make everything right for a while. I have not run into any issues getting my drink made correctly, for the record. So no more tears in Starbucks ;)

I am not having issues going into the fridge - that as an issue with all 3 of my own. However, I can not stand the smell of the over preheating. We will get past this too.

I scheduled my 12 week appointment and NT scan, and my 20 week just to get those on the schedule. Crazy to think we are at a point to schedule the 20 week! It is SO exciting though.

If you see me wearing the same pair of sweatpants - I'm trying. I have reached a point where I don't necessarily look pregnant, but some of the bloating from meds is still there and everything else just feels too tight and makes me feel nauseated. I did order 2 pair today in different colors - I figured they will be handy now and this fall again if not before baby arrives, after s/he does.

We are moving along and it feels good. I am so excited to meet my IPs in person in the next few weeks as well! While this all seems like so much to me with the nausea, exhaustion, ect going on - I can't imagine what it is like for them. I do try and not complain much about stuff (except maybe this entire post feels like a complaint - sorry - I was hoping it came across more of just "hey these are the current facts") since it is what it is.

I think that is all I have for the moment!
Until next time ...

8w5d update

I had my second ultrasound this morning. My whole crew came with - my middle is convinced the baby is in my butt so apologies to anyone she might share that with. We are trying. She is so interested in everything and really takes everything in. 
The baby has a strong heartbeat of 170 and was moving around. I could not be more excited for our IPs right now. Such a beautiful thing to see.

I am feeling decent otherwise ... morning sickness is raging right now. I am loving on almost anything crunchy (veggie sub sandwiches, carrot/celery sticks, kettle chips, pickles) ... as long as it is crunchy I am game. I have no cried in Target since my last incident. Thankyouverymuch.

I received my medication weaning schedule. I am doing my last injection on the 24th - and let me tell you how happy my hips are about that! Here is the thing - if needed I would do these every single day of this pregnancy and not complain. I am just happy that is not the case.

I think that is about all I have for right now!

tears in Target

I think this story is worth remembering ... so my embarrassment is your laugh for the day.

The nausea lately has been pretty bad. I am dealing and trying not to complain, I know it will pass. But it is hard to feel like all I want to do is lay still so I feel halfway okay. I knew it would happen, but it still doesn't make it any easier.
As with one of my other kids, sipping on a decaf cafe vanilla frapp from Starbucks takes away the nausea for a while. I don't know why (honestly, I don't care, I am just happy it works) but it is relief in a cup. Normally a drink like that would be way too sweet - my normal Starbucks order would be a a basic cold brew or iced coffee, but I am sticking to decaf while pregnant and right now that would be too harsh on my tummy anyways I think. 
Anyways.
Knowing we were going to Target, it was all I could do to not run from the car into the store and head straight to the Starbucks. Relief was very near. I go in, order and start watching the barista make the drink. Except she was making a vanilla bean frapp, not the cafe vanilla I ever so politely requested. She then tells me when I question her, she has no clue how to make it decaf. I dont think she would have known how to make it period with the questions she was asking me but that is not the point. So I ask for a refund knowing I could probably talk my husband into going to another store. She cant do that either and tells me to go to guest services to get it worked out.
I was met at guest services by a nice lady who was also pregnant, and I just said "I am so nauseated I just really wanted my drink" and I BURST INTO TEARS.
You guys. I'm standing in Target sobbing over a frappuccino. I explained that I am not always this emotional over Starbucks - that I am on a combination of meds and hormones that are just making this seem that much worse. I just wanted a break from the nausea though - it was so close but so far away.
She was so sweet and went to make the drink herself for me as I stood there trying to get myself under control. My husband comes around and says "I left you for less than 5 minutes" and laughs at me. I deserved it. I was half laughing and crying at this point.
She comes back and was so very sweet. Asked if it was okay and I said yes and thanked her over and over.
The drink was not right, but she tried and I did not want to cause any more trouble than I had. My husband drank that one and every so kindly drove me to a free standing Starbucks after we left for my correct drink.
And we all lived happily ever after. 

So there you have it. Today I cried in Target because the barista in Starbucks did not know how to make my drink.

Cravings and exhaustion

I am going to be honest, I am surprised I have any cravings right now. Normally I am too nauseated to even want to think about food. Though I think I have that slightly under control with this tea I found at Target one day. It is by Pink Stork - their morning sickness relief. I think it is a little spendy - 10 satchels for $11.99 (though I did find a 3 pack on amazon for $22, so I will probably go that route!) ... You can make a few cups from one satchel which is about one days worth for me. So in the end I suppose it is not awful, and better than having to resort right now to a prescription of some sort. If you are nauseated, I do recommend trying it. It has a nice light peach flavor.

Let's talk about cravings though. Boy are they strong. My husband and I went on a little date on Sunday and stopped at this little place called The Roadside (if you are local you should try it). I had these amazing shrimp tacos (hellloooo, tacos!) that were really spicy and just overall delicious. I can not stop thinking about them. I feel so silly but they were just THAT good and I can't wait to grab some again soon!
I have eaten through a 5lb bag of cuties over the past few days - that seems to be a common craving for me thinking about my own kids. Orange juice too. Thankful for this one - it is nice to be craving fruits along with everything else!

I am tired. Not "hey I need to lay down for a half hour and I will be better" but "wow that 2 hour nap did not touch how I am feeling right now" sort of tired. I am guessing it will pass soon. I have to give props to my husband. He leaves the house to work all day ... and has been coming home and picking up the slack as far as cleaning up the kitchen from the day. It is always my biggest struggle with either being just ready to crash, or the gagging over everything. I can cook the food but the smells after are so intensified it makes me gag. I know it is not his favorite job but I could not do this without him.

I think that is all for now!

6w5d ultrasound and updates

I went in for the ultrasound today - I am currently 6 weeks and 5 days along! I had hoped to video chat with my IPs but I screwed that one up by not realizing FaceTime is not Facebook video chatting (I don't have an iPhone) - whoops. I felt very bad about that. My ultrasound tech allowed me to take a video to send to them along with the photos they took and messaged to me after the ultrasound was over. So at least they were able to see the baby's heart beating through that! We will get the chatting platform figured out for the next one in 2 weeks though! Baby's heartbeat is at 137bpm.
I had a small bleed just over a week ago, that we can with pretty good confidence say was from a really small SCH that showed up on the ultrasound today. The tech said I may see a little bleeding, or it will absorb and we wont see anything again. It is not threatening to the baby or myself and is fairly common in IVF pregnancies. So that was a relief to hear.

It was such a beautiful little sight to see. It was such a different feeling than my own. I felt just as much love - but the love was for this little baby and it's parents. That at the end of this journey they would be reunited and it will be exactly how it should be.

My middle holds tight that I can not have coffee (it was restricted until our beta tests starting back in the end of December) - which I can now, in moderation according to my OBs guidelines. It is funny since I love coffee and normally would never miss a chance to have some, that so far I have had one decaf iced caramel macchiato (a small one) and that has been it! My middle announced loudly in the halls at her school that "it was okay her little brother was drinking my smoothie because it is not coffee because I am so pregnant with a baby in my belly". Not many heard her and we had a little laugh over it. She is a little mommy at heart.

Gagging over anything and nothing at all has picked up, along with just general nausea most of the day (my 2 year old pretends to gag and then laugh at me now). That was something I went through with all 3 of my own - so I am used to it and try not to complain. It will pass in due time. I mean, don't get me wrong, I would have loved for it to have missed me this time - but I am finding ways to deal. I bought some hard candies today as I am finding that eating/drinking to keep my belly from being empty helps. A handful of nuts (or a small cup of soup for example) here and there has been helpful - just to keep my tummy from becoming completely empty. So I rarely eat a full meal all at once - instead I break it up a bit. I am also exhausted come afternoon. I was cuddling with the little two the other day and fell asleep sitting with them while watching a movie. Not fully asleep as I was still aware they were touching either side of me - but enough where time had passed and I missed someone knocking at the door until I was poked by my middle one! I think part of it is from some of my medications too. Bruises are starting to show up on my backside where I do my PIO injections as well since they are every day now vs every other. I still rotate sides but they are just not getting that extra 2 days break before the next time it is poked again. The injections do not hurt - so no complaints. I will happily do them as long as necessary to help this little one along!

Cravings have included: veggie lo mein, a cuban sandwich (it needed extra pickles and crunchy chips) and pizza with extra sauce with green pepper and pineapple, a big green salad loaded with veggies and fruit smoothies. I am finding a fruit smoothie in the morning is an easy way for me to get something in my tummy without having to eat right away. I normally wait 2 hours before I eat in the morning as I just am not hungry, but with the nausea I just can not do that. After swinging into Target today I am thinking a vanilla bean frapp sounds good from Starbucks as well! I also just now, sparked a craving for oranges and cuties. I might need to make a stop if we go anywhere this weekend for some citrus fruits!
So nothing too crazy (some healthier than others but trying to keep the not so healthy in moderation) and I am still able to eat normally without many aversions - which has been nice. I did have to leave the room at dinner the other night while the kids ate because just the smell was making me gag!

I do think, that is all for now. I probably rambled enough by now anyways!

Emotional Day

I hate writing about 'bad' things but I also told myself this was going to be the whole story of this surrogacy and pregnancy. And this may not be considered bad - but just part of the process.
Around 10:30 yesterday morning while at my kids school, I noticed that I started bleeding. It was not a lot, not nearly to fill any sort of pad. But enough to throw me for a loop. I had had some cramping - nothing more than I thought the waist of my leggings was just too tight (yay bloating). I instantly put a message into my nurse at the fertility clinic - she called me less than 5 minutes after that. It was all I could do to keep from falling apart even though she had some very reassuring things about why this might be going on to say. I then messaged my IPs - I can't imagine what they thought and felt while reading that, but they turned whatever it was into concern for me. That might tell you what type of people they are - I feel so grateful I was chosen to do this with them. School was done an hour later and for the remainder of the time I would be sitting in a room with other adults just talking - so I chose to stay and just put my feet up like I would at home. I was a mess though. That class does not know about any of this yet (I am new to it, our Monday class knows since we have a closer relationship).
Once returning home, spotting started lightening up and eventually by bed it was gone. I was able to catch a short nap with my little ones, and we relaxed the rest of the day together playing games that I could stay hanging out and keeping my feet up. I upped my water intake as well. 
I have not had any spotting or bleeding since before going to bed last night. For that I am relieved.

The nurse said possible causes could be from the Endometrin suppositories or from a SCH (SubChorionic Hemorrhage) which can be more common in women who have undergone IVF. Being mid 5 weeks it is also not uncommon to see some bleeding. 

All of those reasons were reassuring, however I have never experienced bleeding or cramping so it was hard to focus on "this can be normal". My thoughts immediately went to my IPs. Today I am focusing on the good - that the bleeding and cramping has stopped and besides taking my dog to the groomer (where he is basically delivered to my car for me!) we are laying low today. We had some plans to go to the museum tomorrow, but since our tickets can be saved we decided it was best to hold off and maybe go over spring break so I can continue to take it easy and not overdue things so soon. Maybe playing it more safe than perhaps needed by tomorrow - but the kids were not told of the activity so no one will know the difference! (Plus, hopefully going on a weekday will be less crowded than a Saturday!). 

I did earn myself a PIO injection every day now instead of every other day. No complaints - I have said from the start I will do what is necessary for success.

So much of this journey is unknown and can change in an instant. I keep the mindset that everything will be okay and we are going to come out of this with a baby for my IPs. Their baby. And I will continue to keep that mindset because it is what I know, and positive energy is what we need.

So for now that is it, just wanted to fill in with what was going on. 

Cravings and development

I think it is mostly due to medications - but I have had some very intense cravings lately.
It started with a cuban sandwich. Which we fulfilled so I am good with that. For a few days it was donuts - the little glazed munchkins from dunkin donuts specifically (did not give in to it as of now). The other day a pizza with pineapple, green peppers, pepperoni sounded amazing. Tonight tacos seem like the right answer. And a gyro - holy smokes a really great gyro too.
It is a little crazy. Lucky (or not so?) for me, we live too far from most places to make fulfilling these really easy!

Everything as we know it is going well. I will receive my 2nd to last medication delivery tomorrow. Injections are fine. My hips the night and day after my progesterone injection feel like someone came at me with a baseball bat. Not really complaining - but it tends to wake me up in the middle of the night when the pain comes on. It doesn't last forever and passes by afternoon the day following the injection - so for that I am happy!

I am currently 5 weeks and 2 days. The baby is the size of a dot snail, or the size of a peppercorn if food is more your thing. Major organs are beginning to develop and the heart is starting to form its different chambers.

That is about all for the moment. Just taking things day by day and hibernating from the germs when we do not have school or classes!

I do feel a little Regina George after too many Kalteen bars ... my leggings are even getting tight lately thanks to the med bloat. Maybe time to make a custom pair of joggers!

Beta and meds

I had my first Beta yesterday and it came back 265! Meaning ... I am officially pregnant!! I will go back tomorrow for a second draw to make sure that that number is at least doubling.

Looking at a full sharps container had me thinking about how many injections, pills and suppositories I have gone through so far.
So breaking it down:

 - 23 Lupron injections (Injected in the belly daily. I stopped doing them the week prior to transfer)

- 8 PIO injections (Progesterone in Oil; Intramuscular injection. Those are done every other day and started the week of transfer).

- 39 Estrogen patches (Ranging from wearing one patch at a time to 4 at at time currently. They are changed every other day).

- 34 Endometrin suppositories (Another form of progesterone; I started with 2x/day and now do them 3x/day)

- 40 Baby Asprin

- Daily prenantal and Vitamin D

Before transfer I had 2 ultrasounds to check my lining, 5 blood draws since starting meds up until now (with another tomorrow for my 2nd beta). I've had 3 days of bed rest (right after transfer), and now have various restrictions.

I have done all of my injections myself and have only almost fainted once (the first PIO injection). It has become part of my day and while I still write it down in my planner and have reminders in my google calendar, I just automatically know when to watch the clock and do everything.

I am currently 4 weeks pregnant - and meds (the PIO injections, endo suppositories, baby asprin) will continue until I am about 10 weeks where they will start to look at my numbers and begin weaning me off. I could be on meds until 12 weeks if necessary (with the exception of prenatals which will continue obviously throughout the pregnancy)!

Every single medication is incredibly important - I have zero complaints about any of them. While I would gladly inject myself 3x a day if it meant I would not have to do the suppositories - sure, I would actually do that in a heartbeat! But the suppositories are fine - messy - but fine and they do their job!!

The Tuesday after

It has been 4 days since the transfer. We flew out Wednesday evening, spent Thursday wandering around - grabbed an awesome sushi lunch, checked out Target (it is my favorite one!), walked around and went back to the hotel. We enjoyed a home cooked meal at a friend's home before settling back in for the night for transfer Friday.
Transfer day arrived - I did my meds in the morning, ate a light breakfast and off to the clinic we went. Labs were first for a quick blood draw then they sent us up to the surgery center. Every one there was incredibly nice. I had an acupuncture session soon after going into the room - which I fell asleep about 5 minutes after she was done putting the last needle in. DH said I might have snored but oh well - it was that good of a quick nap! Ultrasound came in next to check how full my bladder was. The hardest part about transfer isnt actually the transfer - it is the full bladder. They allowed me to empty a little 2 times - and I made sure to go less than the max they said I could. But seriously - all I could think was "please don't pee on this amazing, renowned Doctor when he is doing the transfer". After I had another acupuncture session where again, I dozed off. About 20 more minutes of laying and resting after acupuncture was finished - we were back to the hotel. We grabbed McDonalds fries because it is a good luck thing among surrogates - and I spent the afternoon sleeping and watching tv. My husband and I chose to not have cable in our home about 2-3 years ago now and we both realized that we do not miss it at all!
Surprisingly bed rest went by pretty fast. Lots of naps and relaxing. I am a belly sleeper which is not allowed, and I was afraid it would take forever to fall asleep - but that was not the case at all thankfully!
Sunday we packed up and made our way to the airport and came home. The kids were very excited to see us - as we were them! That was the longest I have been away from them ever!

The girls were very curious about how it went and if the baby was in my belly. I have always been honest and keeping it in simple terms - they both came up and kissed my belly and said "hello baby" and hugged me again. I always remind them about whose baby it is, and where baby will live ... and they always know the answer. So I am not concerned at all about them being confused. I think our youngest is just too young to really understand so again, I am not worried about him either!

Today before my oldest got on the bus, she touched my belly and asked about the baby. I told her that I will continue to take it easy and we will cross our fingers and say our prayers that baby decides to grow and stay. She leaned in and whispered "you stick around little baby, we will take care of you for your mommy and daddy" - I teared up a bit. She has such a gentle heart. And she is right - we are taking and will take the best care if given the chance.

PIO injections - I admit I had been worried but they do not bother me in the least. Which is a good thing since they will continue for a while into the pregnancy. The needle looks worse than it is and so far I have done them all myself with no issue - so I am thankful for that. So if anyone sees this and is about to start - take a deep breath - remember why you are doing this and don't hesitate. You got this!!!


I think that is all for now ...